This past week, the story of the missing mom who returned after ten years caught my eye. Did you see it?

Alachua County Jail

Brenda Heist was apparently overwhelmed by her divorce in 2002, so the Pennsylvania mom of two disappeared. For good. Leaving her estranged husband to become a suspect in her disappearance, and her children to grow up motherless. Eight years after her disappearance, Brenda Heist was declared dead.

And then Heist turned herself in to police in Florida last week. She looks remarkably different  Her children, now grown, didn’t want to see her immediately.

Then I read about the Family Reunification Act that the state of Minnesota passed to allow parents and teens to reunite after the state had previously terminated parental rights due to abuse. As a former social worker, I’ll bet that’s caused some trepidation in the hearts of those who intervened in the first place.

I spend a lot of time writing about the benefits of reuniting with lost loved ones, but these stories point out some possible exceptions.

When is reuniting with a lost loved one a bad idea?

  • When more information is needed.  Perhaps the missing family member had a mental illness or addiction problem that coincided with their disappearance. That’s important information that a left -behind spouse or child would need in advance of a meeting.
  • If the meeting is initiated to serve only the interests of an adult that abandoned a child. I use the term abandoned broadly, thinking in terms of parents who’ve drank or drugged their children’s lives away and then want to see them once they’ve gotten back on their feet. Don’t get me wrong, I do believe in second-chances and in redemption. But rehabbed parents’ I’ve worked with in my career have sometimes wanted their kids to meet their needs. They needed money from their working teen, a babysitter for newer offspring, or a drinking or drug-buddy. Which leads me to my last point.
  • If the left-behind family member isn’t feeling strong enough emotionally to handle the reunification turbulence. I was a twenty year-old woman when I found my father through a lawyer. An unintended consequence was that it forever changed and then ultimately crushed my relationship with my mother, who had told me many untruths about my missing father and family. If you knew my mother, you might agree that not having her around is not a bad thing, but I can’t imagine going through that at a younger age or if I’d been at a low point in my life.
 So good luck to Ms. Heist’s children as they determine if and when to see their mother. May Minnesota pave the way for teens in the foster care system to have choices about contacting their wayward parents that other states may emulate.

Reuniting with missing loved ones can be fantastic, especially when expectations are reasonable and support is available.

Have a great week.
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