The Way You Treat Yourself Sets the Standards for Others-Sonya Friedman
I got my chance. Some weeks ago, I received an e-mailed invitation from Michael Weinberg of Wizpert to join his crowdsourced compilation of blogger expertise. So I did it. I signed up and can be found at http://wizpert.com/lizbethmeredith.
Now, a few times a week, I open a space in my schedule and offer an ear. I keep hearing a familiar trend:
Dear Liz,
Dear Liz,
Dear Liz,
I’m left to wonder why we as women are so committed to twisting ourselves into a pretzel in order to maintain relationships that are not good for us.
Are we still so financially dependent?
Is it the biological clock, quietly urging us to go forth and make babies that trips us up and helps blind us to the realities?
Then I look back into my own youthful dating experiences, and remember the desperation with which I clung desperately to dysfunction after my violent marriage ended. The marriage and family therapist who was two-timing me. The humorous alcoholic Prince Charles look-alike who no-showed for half our dates.
Truth be told, it wasn’t until I was an older woman, financially more secure, and with zero possibility of further procreation that I made consistently better choices based on knowing my worth.
What do I want young women to know?
Dear Young Woman,
Beware of the date that wants all of your time right away. Who keeps you away from family and friends. Who begins to work on killing your feelings of self-worth with small putdowns about your character and your abilities.
If you’re feeling confused or downright depressed, do reach out. You are not alone.
A relationship can be a wonderful thing, but it will never be everything. It cannot fulfill all of your needs.
Do take the time to get to know you. Set your goals for yourself. Who do you want to be? What qualities do you want to bring to a relationship? Then and only then, when you know your own value will you be able to define what qualities you’d like your partner to have.
Take your time. Discriminate. When seeking a partner, you’ll need to be comfortable searching for a person who shares your values and goals. You are worth it. And keep in mind that there are far worse things than being alone, like being lonely and undervalued while in a relationship.
If you put a small Value on yourself, rest assured the world will not raise your price. Unknown
A site I like- Loveisrespect.org
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Lizbeth,
I sometimes confuse myself. I grew up feeling so little self worth, I’m not sure it even registered on the scale! This feeling came to fruition after being told all day every day I was worthless, I was less than dirt as told by the kids at school. Then I went home to a father who had so little reguard for his wife that he beat her regularly.
Here is the dichotomy of thought. I expected every man I dated to treat me with respect. I expected them to hold the door open for me, to open the car door for me. I expected them to be kind and gentle, to speak respectfully to me. If they strayed from that in the least, they were out of my life forever. I married a a man who is so good to me! He treats me as though I were queen in his castle. He expects our children to be respectful. If they’re not, he reminds them of their place. He tells me everyday that he loves me, treats me as though he loves me. He’s gentle, he’s kind. He speaks respectfully to me. He made it one of his goals in life to make me laugh everyday (We both have a wicked sense of humor). We’ve been married and been best friends for 25 years, known each other for 27.
I did not want to marry my father. I want my daughter to marry a man exactly like her father. I have him take her out on daddy daughter dates to show her how she should be treated. I’ve taught her her intrinsic value, that she’s worth being treated well.
I can understand that young women who feel so little value for them selves can often choose mates who will treat them with little worth because they don’t feel they deserve it. It often takes them years before they understand this just as you said. For some odd reason I chose differently.
Babe,
I love that you chose differently! You wisely assessed what you didn’t want by looking at your parent’s relationship. Then you set your standards and chose a partner who’ll leave your daughter a differently legacy. The father-daughter dates sound terrific.
Thank you for sharing your story.
I love your blogs Liz. They flow well. The structure is perfect and you navigate with such gentle purpose.
Thank you so much. That was just a lovely message to return home to. Thanks for reading, and for commenting!