Twenty Years Later/The Messages that Survived Nicole Brown-Simpson

I can’t believe that  20 years have passed already.

There are important historical events that are forever etched in our brains. We remember where we were, and how they changed our world.

mmonFor me, I remember clearly when Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon (1969).

When AIDS became a major health threat (1981).

And most of all, I remember when Nicole Brown-Simpson, former wife of sports star OJ Simpson, was found murdered on June 12, 1994.

At the time, I was working as a battered women’s advocate in Anchorage, Alaska. I worked in the same shelter I’d found refuge at with my little daughters four years earlier. I facilitated support groups for victims, helped them get restraining orders in court. The part of my job I loved best was giving community presentations about domestic violence.

Back then, no one wanted to talk about domestic violence.

nicole simpson's leg
nicole simpson’s leg

That all changed when Nicole Brown-Simpson was found butchered at her home in 1994. This, following a fifteen year-long abusive marriage that began when she was a pregnant teenager.

Why does a social issue need to happen to a famous person to become significant? Domestic violence was the leading cause of injury to women ages 15-44 back then, according to Surgeon General Koop, “more than rapes, muggings, and traffic accidents combined.”

And yet, it remained a dirty little secret.

The months and years following Nicole Brown Simpson’s death, phone lines were clogged at shelters all over the country.

“I’ve been pushed and slapped. Is this abuse?” Or, “My husband’s been threatening to kill me. What can I do? I have no money.”

And presentation requests? Through the roof. Grant money fell from the heavens, and soon, we expanded domestic violence programming to include hospital emergency response teams and a safe home program for Alaska Native women.

I would like to say that domestic violence advocates worked with the community to make lasting changes. I think it’s true. There was something that resonated about this beautiful and rich young mother of two who predicted her own murder, called the police repeatedly, and was slaughtered anyhow.

The messages we learned to tell our abused friends and loved ones?

You’re not alone

You deserve to be treated well.

It’s not your fault.

There are people and agencies that can help you.

We also learned what not to say.
You should leave.

Forgive him. He looks so sad.

What’s wrong with you?

History has taught that the most dangerous time in a violent relationship is just before or just after leaving it. So we advocates, we family members, we friends must remember to hold our tongues and keep our advice to ourselves.

Do you know someone who is being abused?

Tell them to call 1-800-799-SAFE.

Want To Be a Creepy Stalker? There’s an App for That! Senator Al Franken’s Solution to Privacy Violation

Senator Al Franken knows that a parents dream has become a battered woman’s nightmare.

Al Franken
Al Franken

Mobile phone tracking apps, marketed as a way parents can know where their children really are is being used instead by domestic abusers as a way to stalk their victims.

In the post 10 Best Apps for Paranoid Parents, author Brett Singer sells the benefits of these apps.

Ever wish you could know where your child is, all the time? Using GPS in real time, this app helps you keep track of and automatically locate where your child goes with his phone. If he’s traveling alone, you can confirm that he arrived at a specific destination, or if he’s meeting up with friends, they can confirm each other’s locations. Location info is never shared with anyone else beyond those who have permission to see it, and data is saved for later review. Even though the app is free, parents will need to purchase a subscription for the tracking feature.

Now, imagine that you are a person convinced that your partner is cheating on you. Or that you’re a jilted lover who cannot get the other out of your mind, and might wish to confront him or her alone?

The same apps marketed for parents can be used to fuel your obsession.

stuart-smalley
Stuart Smalley

How creepy is this?

In response, Franken has proposed the Location Privacy Protection Act of 2014, and tells about a domestic violence victim who was at the court house seeking an order of protection, only to receive a text from her abuser asking why she was in court.

If the bill is approved, it would be a violation for a person to install the app without the permission of the phone owner, and the app company would also be in violation.

The tracking apps have been installed secretly not just by perpetrators of domestic violence, but by first-time dates who’ve been granted access to their date’s smart phone.

The way I see it, there are two takeaways.

1) Password protect your smart phone and don’t grant others access to it. Don’t leave it unattended on a first date any more than you’d leave a drink unattended.

2) Al Franken is as clever a senator as he was on Saturday Night Live as Stuart Smalley.

The Truth About Leaving a Violent Relationship

Many months ago, the Anchorage Daily News reported a brutal stabbing.
Fortunately, the victim lived. Her story wasn’t so  unique. Her former boyfriend, who didn’t appear to harbor ill-will towards her about their break-up two months earlier, apparently did. He stabbed her nearly to death.
Reporter Casey Grove interviewed her days later, and asked the victim why she had been with a man with a checkered past.

Instantly, I was transported back to the 90’s. Back to a time when part of my job as a domestic violence advocate  was providing lectures and workshops for community panels, law enforcement, and other providers. Domestic violence was the new hot topic. It was just after the death of Nicole Brown Simpson, and suddenly, abuse in relationships was no longer a secret. What was on the minds of the audience? More often than not, it was Why Does She Stay?

The other part of my job as an advocate was to work with abuse victims. On any given day, I would see three to five women who had either just left the battered women’s shelter or had never been in it. Most appointments had been scheduled in advance, but sometimes women at wits-end simply walked in unannounced and needed to talk to someone. I loved being that someone. I got to listen to her tell her story, suspending the judgment or hope that a family member or friend might have about whether she should stay in or leave the relationship. I would ask questions meant to spur thought, and give general information about safety and emergency planning. I referred her to an information and support group that was attended by other victims of emotional, physical, and/ or sexual abuse. And week by week, she muscled-up emotionally by meeting with women in similar circumstances and hearing their stories of survival. She would learn to tell her own story. A year or two later, often that same woman who had timidly walked through the door now returned, transformed. She was making a life for herself without abuse, and proudly volunteered her skills or made a donation to the center. The bonus for me was obvious: I inhaled second-hand strength.

Some women left their abusers. Many of them went on to have fabulous lives afterwards, advancing their education, employment skills, or enjoying a loving relationship with a different partner.

For others, the consequences for leaving were tragic. They plunged into poverty. They were injured or killed. Or even worse, their children were put at risk.

I took the survivor’s stories to help with the community outreach.

The truth about leaving a violent relationship is it’s  no guarantee to safety or to happiness.

So maybe asking a different question makes sense.

Perhaps the reporter could have asked different questions. Why did this man stab a woman he once loved? Why do we focus on  domestic abuse victim’s choices for partners rather than the abusers actions? And how can we collectively work to end domestic violence in our world?

Love, Pistorius Style/The Pretty Faces Behind the Ugly Problem of Domestic Violence

With all the other things going on nationally, I had not paid attention to the Oscar Pistorius trial.

Honestly, I thought Pistorius was a political figure. And then I stayed home last weekend and caught up with the news.

What’s not fascinating about a tragic Valentine’s Day ending (in 2013) to a romance between a South African super-model and a super-athlete?

They were both beautiful, rich, and talented. She was a law graduate. He is a double-amputee sprint runner. Soon after they met, the couple appeared to have the world by the tail

Pistorius and Steenkamp -in the beginning
Pistorius and Steenkamp -in the beginning

Pistorius admits to shooting and killing his girlfriend, Reeva Steenkamp, in the early morning hours on Valentine’s Day, believing her to be an intruder. Given that the place he lives in South Africa is rife with break-ins, and given Pistorius documented history of anxiety about being victimized, I would have believed his alibi.

But there were too many things in their relationship that now point to something different.

The Pistorius/Steenkamp union had some classic markers of an abusive relationship.

Like many relationships that turn violent, theirs began with quick involvement.  They began dating one November. They were inseparable from the start.

Pistorius used tactics to control Steenkamp, and made frequent (and very public) negative comments about her. Her gum chewing. Her taste in music. Her efforts to learn accents for an acting role.

Oscar Pistorius demonstrated his jealousy frequently to Reeva Steenkamp, accusing her of flirting with other men, of not introducing him quickly enough to other men at events they attended. Witnesses say he called her incessantly from the beginning of their relationship.

Violence in a relationship nearly always follows one that began with quick involvement, is marked by control tactics, and has elements of jealousy.  It usually increases over time and does not escalate to physical violence until much later that the Pistorius/Steenkamp relationship.

Do you know someone who is a victim of domestic violence?  It’s important to connect her to resources. 1-800-799-SAFE is a great start.

Reeva Steenkamp met her handsome prince in November of 2012. Three short months later, she was dead.

I Wish I Had Never Made Him Angry/Throwback Thursday Hits the Courtroom

“I just wish that I’d never made him angry!”

I hadn’t got the memo that Throwback Thursday had morphed into other arenas besides Facebook. Yet there I was that day, in the lobby at work after court with a battered 18 year-old girl, whose black eye and angry scratches to her neck appeared to have only deepened her commitment to her teenaged abuser. 

Hello, 1970’s.

Goodbye, decades of outreach efforts where those in the field have worked to hold abusers accountable. To tell victims that  domestic violence isn’t their fault, and it’s not their job to walk on eggshells in order to avoid a pummeling.

But she wasn’t the only one blaming her for the violence. The suspect’s father explained to defense counsel and me why  his son beat up his long-term girlfriend. According to him, there were mental health problems (hers). There was co-dependency (hers). There was a history of aggression (hers).

I was left to wonder: which came first, the chicken or the egg? Did she blame herself from the beginning of the relationship, or was it after hearing those around her? And why does that matter?

It matters because domestic violence is one of two crimes (along with sexual assault) where society scrutinize it’s victim’s most heavily. Where the victims’ attitudes still have such a strong  influence on the legal case outcomes. And where perpetrator’s progress in their Batterer’s Intervention Program can be linked to how their victim and their extended family views their actions. If they’re held accountable, the are far more likely to make changes. If their behavior is minimized, it’s still  working. Why make changes?

You can only do so much to plant seeds for change. My staff and I did the usual–

* Reassured the victim her injuries were not her fault.

*Reminded her she deserved to be respected.

*Referred her to community resources including the local battered women’s shelter for further safety planning

And above all else, we explained to her that domestic violence/dating violence is the unfortunate gift that one generation imparts to the next if the cycle isn’t interrupted. And this arrest may be just the interruption needed for change.

I hope so.

Speaking of hope, I found a great link to address teen dating violence.

Next week we’ll look at some of the wonderful suggested conversations and tips they give to parents and families of teens about healthy relationships.

Do you know someone who needs help because they’re impacted by domestic violence?

Refer them to 1-800-799-SAFE.

Thanks for stopping by.

Private Violence and APB/ Liz’s Monday Roundup

Greetings!

My computer just returned from sick leave so I’ll be brief.

Lesson learned: If you get a pop-up saying Windows Advanced Security found problems on your computer, that is malware. Don’t click on anything!

Private Violence, or click on the safe link to see their website. It follows a battered women’s advocate as she faces the same questions people have been asking of victims for years.

APB with Troy Dunn on TNT. How great is this?

Troy has spent his career tracking down lost loved one’s after helping his mom find her family many years ago.  This week, he reunited three men who were found abandoned as little boys in a hotel and adopted out to different homes. You can watch the episode free on Demand or online. Get out your kleenex. It’s bittersweet.

As this blog transitions to include more about finding healthy relationships, I’m thrilled to debut it with an interview by author Susan Page.  Please join me next week.

Thanks for stopping by!

New Tools to Tackle Domestic Violence

It’s already the end of Domestic Violence Awareness Month.

By now, we’re aware of the sobering statistics.
  • The inter-generational impact of domestic violence, that children raised with violence often perpetuate violence against their own partners when they grow up.
  •  And we know about the economical impact to us all due to the medical expenses, lost work wages, and cost of prosecuting the cases to name a few.
But there are positive developments in the field you may not know about.
I listened to an interview on National Public Radio spotlighting two authors.
In the book Parenting by Men Who Batter, co- author Oliver Williams interviews scores of batterers and learns that their underlying justification for violence is the batterer’s belief that women, like young children, are not intellectual equals to them and therefore need to be disciplined so they don’t cross certain boundaries. This reinforces what experts have long known: domestic violence perpetrators do not need anger management. They need a batterer’s intervention program to make changes.
Prosecutor Michelle Kaminsky writes Reflections of a Domestic Violence Prosecutor after decades of prosecuting domestic violence cases. She has concluded that each case merits a separate outcome rather than a one-size-fits-all approach. She believes courts should measure lethality, whether or not there are weapons in the home, and the offender’s past criminal history before metering consequences since many victims call law enforcement wanting the violence, not the relationship, to end.
But perhaps it is the field of child welfare know that children whose parents are impacted by domestic violence are vulnerable to abuse by either parent. Old social work practices focused on strong-arming the victim into committing to leave the abuser.
Today, social workers are getting trained in a different approach that ensures child safety and promotes victim safety while offering relevant services to both the victim and the perpetrators. And what they’re seeing is that offenders who abuse their partners can be motivated to stop when they understand how their actions harm their children.
With all we now know, I hope we can move from a place of Why does she stay to How do we best respond- As neighbors, as coworkers, as friends, as sisters and brothers.
The bad news? Domestic violence is a learned behavior.
The good news? Learned behaviors can be modified. Unlearned. Re-trained.
And if one in three or one in four women experiences domestic violence in her lifetime in the U.S., that still leaves a majority of women who do not.
In the near future (February)  I plan to look at all things relationships as I finish Facing the Odds, One Man at a Time. As always,  I hope you’ll join me.

Are You Helping or Hurting? Test Your Knowledge on How You Impact Domestic Violence

It’s October again! Time for National Domestic Violence Awareness Month.

Did you know that

·         One in every four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime?

·         85% of domestic violence victims are women?

·         Witnessing violence between one’s parents or caretakers is the strongest risk factor of transmitting violent behavior from one generation to the next? http://www.ncadv.org/files/DomesticViolenceFactSheet(National).pdf)

Back when I was a domestic violence victim’s advocate, domestic violence was the leading cause of injury to women ages 15-44 according to the US Surgeon General. That’s no longer true. Still, domestic violence continues to be a nationwide and worldwide human rights concern that has great impact on generations to come.
Think you have no impact on domestic violence if you’re not directly involved as a victim or perpetrator? Think again.
Your knowledge about domestic violence dynamics and community resources can make a big difference to others around you.

Let’s test your knowledge and attitudes with the quiz below.

Your friend tells you that her boyfriend of five years slapped her after an argument about her spending yesterday. She wonders aloud if she should leave the relationship. You have watched this boyfriend insult your friend in public in the past, and monitor her phone calls and her whereabouts. You

1) Tell her that you have never liked him, and she should leave the relationship immediately since he’ll probably strike her again.

2) Encourage her to go to couple’s counseling to help her decide their future.

3) Remind her that her spending really is a source of concern.

4) Give affirming messages like, “You deserve to be treated well,” and “I’m concerned about your safety.”

5) Refer her to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE.

A coworker you are friendly with has finally left her violent marriage after 18 years.  She told you she’s gotten an order of protection, and plans to file for divorce. You

1) Act as her cheerleader, telling her, “I knew you could do it! That’s so great! I’m really proud of you!”

2) Offer to set her up on a date with your single brother when the dust settles.

3) Make disparaging comments about her husband. “What kind of a man hits a woman anyhow?”

4) Remind her it’s a dangerous time after leaving a violent relationship. Tell her you will respect whatever decision she makes, and encourage her to get support from a domestic violence agency.

You have seen the police at your next-door neighbor’s apartment on three separate occasions, but aren’t sure why. One day, you look out your window and see your neighbor hurriedly pack her children, ages 6 months and 2 years of age, into her car and back out of her driveway. She is followed by her husband on foot, who runs after them and breaks out the front windshield with a bat. Police arrive. Later, a social worker asks you to be a collateral witness. You

1) Say nothing to the social worker. You don’t want to get involved. After all, the children are young and won’t be affected.

2) Get into a lengthy conversation as to why some women are drawn to violent men.

3) Answer the questions to the best of your ability, letting the social worker know what you’ve witnessed, and reminding the social worker that you, too, could be put at risk due to the close proximity of your home to the family in question.

If you picked the last answer to each question, you’re correct.

It’s not easy giving support to a victim of domestic violence without getting emotionally drained.  But since we know violence escalates after a victim leaves their perpetrator, it’s important to connect victims with experts who can help them create an  individualized safety plan.  Not couples counselors (always contraindicated until both partners have received domestic violence intervention and the relationship has stabilized),  and not  pastors.

It’s also critical to not become emotionally invested in the victim’s choices, so she doesn’t feel pressure or disapproval should she change her mind. And it’s tempting to over-extend a helping hand, fostering dependency rather than empowerment.

Do you believe it’s impossible to impact domestic violence in your world?

The truth is, you already are. Learn as much as you can by to make sure it’s the impact  that you want.

What will you do to get involved in ending the cycle of violence?

Just Google domestic violence and the name of your community to see what events are going on for Domestic Violence Awareness Month.

Women Cause Their Own Domestic Violence Victimization According to Toledo Mayoral Candidate Opal Covey

Toledo,  Ohio residents must have felt they traveled back in time this week when oddball mayoral candidate Opal Covey offered her thoughts on domestic violence in a forum for candidates.

 

“People who receive domestic violence, a lot of cases, except the children, is [sic] causing it themselves because they are not keeping control of their lives, watching out, suppressing their feeling, which you should do — not every feeling that you have is going to work for you,” Ms. Covey, making her fourth bid for mayor, said. “It is going to have consequences and you will reap your consequences.”
She went on to say the victims are “causing it themselves” by choosing bad mates and not leaving abusive mates.
“They should not be with that mate. … They’ve been told get rid of him. Now, you know you should wait,” Ms. Covey said. “One of the biggest problems is sex. People, when they get up to adulthood, of course they have the sexual feelings, all right. And so, therefore, they are going to go out and they are going to try it, but they are not realizing they are putting their lives at stake.”
The Toledo Blade covered the mayoral forum, and reported consistently horrified reactions from the other candidates.
In fairness, every large community has a nutty wannabe politician who causes a stir. But a closer look reveals it wasn’t too long ago in US history that most of us shared Opal Covey’s views about domestic violence.
 
In 1964, an article published about battered women by three psychiatrists indicated battered women had a masochistic need that their husband’s aggression filled. 
Two years later, New York state allowed divorce if a woman was beaten by her husband so long as it was proven that a sufficient number of beatings had taken place.
Wow
We have come a long way in understanding domestic violence in America. Instead of focusing on the psyche of the victim, we’ve learned to spend our energies scrutinizing and intervening in the behavior of the perpetrator.
Dear Opal Covey,
No one deserves to be hit. Abusers can choose to leave rather than hit their partners. Victims cannot force someone to hit them.
Not all battered women can safely leave. More women are killed after leaving their abuser.
Some battered women are promiscuous. Some are not. So what?
Let’s keep moving forward. 
Do you know someone impacted by domestic violence? Tell them to call 1-800-799 SAFE.
And enjoy this older video by Oval Covey.  (This is not an endorsement!)
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Listen and Learn/The Secret to Being a Good Advocate

Sometimes, I learn the most when I simply listen.

I phoned one of my brothers a few days ago. As we were catching up, he mentioned that he and his wife took an out of state trip to Michigan from Kentucky by car. How did he decide on Michigan?
 
 
“I wanted to see a car museum, and my wife loves quilting, so I got online and found a location where we could do both.”
 
This, from my oldest brother who is all thumbs with computers, and whose wife doesn’t travel easily due to health problems. It wasn’t a simple trip, but they both had a wonderful time.
  
I’ve repeated this story a few times to married  friends this week, and it always seems to catch at the back of their throats, this act of uncommon chivalry more than 50 years into a marriage.

Later, I attended my oldest daughter’s ultimate frisbee tournament.  My more secretive daughter used her quick break from frisbee-playing to visit. She told me that her new boyfriend had objected greatly to her playing frisbee. It kept her away from him, and he maligned her participation on the team. My eyes may have widened, but I said nothing. “And I told him he should be supportive of my hobbies and interests if he wants to be with me,” my daughter said before she re-joined her team.

She’d paid attention. All those years of talking about the signs of abusive relationships had taken root.

When my daughter was a toddler, I got my first and perhaps best job as a domestic violence advocate at the local battered women’s agency. 

We gave clients access to information like the online handout  below from AWAIC. There, I learned the art of active listening. Active listening was followed up with a referral. No one should have to suffer alone, nor should they feel pressured or judged by professionals or loved ones to make the difficult choices ahead. As my girls grew up, I showed them the handouts I used with clients to start conversations, both about my work, and about safe relationships.

How is your relationship?
Does your partner:

  • Embarrass you with put-downs?
  • Control what you do, who you see or talk to or where you go?
  • Stop you from seeing your friends or family members?
  • Take your money or Social Security check, make you ask for money or refuse to give you money?
  • Make all of the decisions?
  • Tell you that you’re a bad parent or threaten to take away or hurt your children?
  • Prevent you from working or attending school?
  • Act like the abuse is no big deal, it’s your fault, or even deny doing it?
  • Destroy your property or threaten to kill your pets?
  • Intimidate you with guns, knives or other weapons?
  • Shove you, slap you, choke you, or hit you?
  • Force you to try and drop charges?
  • Threaten to commit suicide?
  • Threaten to kill you? 

Listen and refer. That was the essential role of the advocate, as well as safety planning.

We all have opinions about how relationships should go. We want the best for our loved ones. We know they deserve to be treated well. We know emotional abuse is often the first sign of what will later become an violent relationship. 

Do you have a friend or loved one who you think is in an unhealthy relationship? 

Listen and refer. The National Domestic Violence Hotline can find resources accessible to your loved one. 

Do you know of an especially healthy relationship that inspires you?

Talk it up with your circle of friends! We can set these examples as our new normal.
 
P.S. Want to see my in-progress author page?
  
Please go to https://www.facebook.com/lizbethmeredithfan and Like me! Thanks! 
 

 

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