What if you found out you were living a lie? That a family secret had kept you away from a sibling or parent that you did not even know existed?
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| Mary Lou Lockhart, printed in Anchorage Daily News 12/9/12 |
Today’s Anchorage Daily News article What is Never Spoken http://www.adn.com/2012/12/08/2718214/julia-omalley-what-is-never-spoken.html&c=5QFBm_wdIAjK_AMYPubz_4jaHLWo7b20bguacyqRB7g&mkt=en-us introduced an Alaskan family whose world was turned upside-down recently after a random Google search. Bill Popp learned that his 76 year-old mother was listed on an adoption website, looking for a baby she’d given up more than fifty years before.
(See tomorrow’s follow-up article to see how their search turned out–adn.com).
(See tomorrow’s follow-up article to see how their search turned out–adn.com).
Last week, while I was out of town at a business meeting, I chatted with two coworkers about this very topic. One coworker located his father and siblings in a different part of the country a couple of years ago. The second coworker found a sibling, but chose not to meet his missing father. “Where were you when I needed you?” would be the only thing I’d want to say to him,” he told me, “and it doesn’t matter now. I’m grown.”
It doesn’t matter when we’re grown? Really?
It’s matters to me. Meeting my missing family, a process that began at age 20 and continues throughout my forties, matters a whole lot.
It mattered to Steve Jobs, too.
In a 1997 New York Times article about Steve Jobs, the Apple/ Pixar/iPhone guru spoke of finding his family missing parents and sibling in while in his twenties. Adopted by a wonderful couple as a baby, his search for his biological parents ended abruptly at 27 when he learned that they had a daughter after giving Jobs up for adoption and raised her.
While Steve Jobs was no longer hoping to forge a relationship with his parents, he did meet his sister, who turned out to be best-selling author Mona Simpson of Anywhere But Here fame. In his interview with the New York Times, both siblings spoke of their instantly close bond:
”My brother and I are very close,” Simpson says. ”I admire him enormously.”
Jobs says only: ”We’re family. She’s one of my best friends in the world. I call her and talk to her every couple of days.”
The Locator’s Troy Dunn had a phrase I appreciated, “You can’t find peace until you find the pieces.”
I’m a big believer in finding the pieces. Still, I think it’s important to be at peace with yourself before find those pieces.
In short, my advice when conducting a search for family is–
Be at peace with yourself before inviting strangers, even long-lost family, into your life.
Keep in mind that although your missing parents or sibling may not be what you expected, as in the case of Jobs, they may be more than you ever hoped for.
If your missing loved one doesn’t want an ongoing relationship with you, you’re no worse off than you were before you found them. Yes, it can be devastating, but often there’s an aunt or uncle or cousin waiting in the wings who wants badly to know you.
Don’t give up the search.
P.S. Thanks to the anonymous person that nominated my 49 Writers Best of Blog. I live a small life, but after I read that, I shoveled the snow with more vigor, bleached the towels with more joy.
You can vote at 49writers.blogspot.com. Look for the names in the right hand columns.
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