How do you handle conflict? Do you try to avoid it? Do you tell a few friends about it before addressing it with the person it’s with? Which parent did you inherit your conflict-resolution skills from?
In the early 90’s, I co-facilitated support groups for battered women at a domestic violence agency. One of my favorite topics was resolving conflicts assertively. At the time, I was in my late twenties, just out of college, and not too far out of a violent marriage that had followed a violent childhood. Years of living life as a doormat were followed by years of occasional volcanic eruptions. Poor unsuspecting clerk at Toys R Us. Poor friends and family. I simply had no clue how to resolve conflicts in a civilized fashion.
I learned a lot, facilitating those groups. And recently, sometime between attending my family reunion and reorganizing a second time at my current job, I realized it was time to dust off the old tips.
After Google-searching Rules of a Fair Fight, I found a bunch of familiar information, but was partial to Dr. Phil McGraw’s article below, and though it’s written in the context of an intimate relationship, you can generalize the information to be relevant to friends or coworkers.
How to Fight Fair
Take it private and keep it private.
Fighting in front of your children is nothing short of child abuse. It can and will scar them emotionally — all because you don’t have the self-control to contain yourself until you can talk privately.
Fighting in front of your children is nothing short of child abuse. It can and will scar them emotionally — all because you don’t have the self-control to contain yourself until you can talk privately.
Keep it relevant.
Don’t bring up old grudges or sore points when they don’t belong in a particular argument. Put boundaries around the subject matter so that a fight doesn’t deteriorate into a free-for-all.
Don’t bring up old grudges or sore points when they don’t belong in a particular argument. Put boundaries around the subject matter so that a fight doesn’t deteriorate into a free-for-all.
Keep it real.
Deal with the issue at hand, not with a symptom of the problem. Get real about what is bothering you, or you will come away from the exchange even more frustrated.
Deal with the issue at hand, not with a symptom of the problem. Get real about what is bothering you, or you will come away from the exchange even more frustrated.
Avoid character assassination.
Stay focused on the issue, rather than deteriorating to the point of attacking your partner personally. Don’t let the fight degenerate into name-calling.
Stay focused on the issue, rather than deteriorating to the point of attacking your partner personally. Don’t let the fight degenerate into name-calling.
Remain task-oriented.
Know what you want going into the disagreement. If you don’t have a goal in mind, you won’t know when you’ve achieved it.
Know what you want going into the disagreement. If you don’t have a goal in mind, you won’t know when you’ve achieved it.
Allow for your partner to retreat with dignity.
How an argument ends is crucial. Recognize when an olive branch is being extended to you — perhaps in the form of an apology or a joke — and give your partner a face-saving way out of the disagreement.
How an argument ends is crucial. Recognize when an olive branch is being extended to you — perhaps in the form of an apology or a joke — and give your partner a face-saving way out of the disagreement.
Be proportional in your intensity.
Every single thing you disagree about is not an earth-shattering event or issue. You do not have to get mad every time you have a right to be.
Every single thing you disagree about is not an earth-shattering event or issue. You do not have to get mad every time you have a right to be.
There’s a time limit.
Arguments should be temporary, so don’t let them
Arguments should be temporary, so don’t let them
get out of hand. Don’t allow the ugliness of an argument to stretch on indefinitely.
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One tip I remember from the support group days was not to use button-pushing language.
“You always… You never… You need to”…
Beginning any sentence with the word you gets dicey during an argument. It incites anger, and does not usually end well.
I still don’t always fight fair. I struggle with the You always language, but have mastered the art of addressing conflict and moving on. It’s a work in progress.
What tips do you have for resolving conflicts?
Thanks for all the neat comments lately. I love hearing from you.
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Conflicts are so emotionally draining. Learning to navigate through them is no small change. A couple of things I’ve had to learn over the years:
*Poker Face – It helps with maintaining control & reduces drama
*Walk Away – Fighting isn’t the only way to resolve an issue
Also, I like the ‘Time Limit’ part. For me, it should be at the top of the list.
Very relevant topic here. Should be part of our schooling.
I so agree. Conflicts are draining, but so important to have them some times. I once found out weeks after the fact, that a cherished coworker was hurt by something I’d said. Finding out from someone else made me feel like she didn’t invest in our relationship at all to do the work of telling me. But it’s hard, and we don’t grow up talking about how to fight fair.
Thank you.