“I just wish that I’d never made him angry!”
I hadn’t got the memo that Throwback Thursday had morphed into other arenas besides Facebook. Yet there I was that day, in the lobby at work after court with a battered 18 year-old girl, whose black eye and angry scratches to her neck appeared to have only deepened her commitment to her teenaged abuser.
Hello, 1970’s.
Goodbye, decades of outreach efforts where those in the field have worked to hold abusers accountable. To tell victims that domestic violence isn’t their fault, and it’s not their job to walk on eggshells in order to avoid a pummeling.
But she wasn’t the only one blaming her for the violence. The suspect’s father explained to defense counsel and me why his son beat up his long-term girlfriend. According to him, there were mental health problems (hers). There was co-dependency (hers). There was a history of aggression (hers).
I was left to wonder: which came first, the chicken or the egg? Did she blame herself from the beginning of the relationship, or was it after hearing those around her? And why does that matter?
It matters because domestic violence is one of two crimes (along with sexual assault) where society scrutinize it’s victim’s most heavily. Where the victims’ attitudes still have such a strong influence on the legal case outcomes. And where perpetrator’s progress in their Batterer’s Intervention Program can be linked to how their victim and their extended family views their actions. If they’re held accountable, the are far more likely to make changes. If their behavior is minimized, it’s still working. Why make changes?
You can only do so much to plant seeds for change. My staff and I did the usual–
* Reassured the victim her injuries were not her fault.
*Reminded her she deserved to be respected.
*Referred her to community resources including the local battered women’s shelter for further safety planning
And above all else, we explained to her that domestic violence/dating violence is the unfortunate gift that one generation imparts to the next if the cycle isn’t interrupted. And this arrest may be just the interruption needed for change.
I hope so.
Speaking of hope, I found a great link to address teen dating violence.
Next week we’ll look at some of the wonderful suggested conversations and tips they give to parents and families of teens about healthy relationships.
Do you know someone who needs help because they’re impacted by domestic violence?
Refer them to 1-800-799-SAFE.
Thanks for stopping by.
